DEAR LUCY LIPPS:
I am in a rut in my life. I am 32 years old, have a mediocre career as a paralegal, take good care of myself, in a eight-year relationship that isn't going anywhere (I live in his townhouse). He is a lawyer in a highly successful firm. I have been with him so long I am afraid to almost leave. Especially since I don't know what I am looking for. I want things for myself. I want to be single and yet I look forward to having a family. I don't need all the answers from you just some ideas potential scenarios what to expect if I leave. You seem like you lead this really exciting single life. On the other hand I have girlfriends that hate being single. What should I do? Beth in a Rut
Dear RUT-US MAXIMUS:
Honey, your letter raises three of the greatest pull-your-hair Headaches known to all womankind. Let's cover them all: "Money, Love and Life"
Money: The reason we have money is to take care of yourself. Start a nest egg immediately. A "Princess Lucy Rule Numero Uno" is a smart woman always has enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to and needs to...
Love: Every woman should have at least one old love she can imagine going back to .... and yet, this love will how remind you one day how strong you are and how far you have come.
Life: As soon as you begin to trust yourself, you will learn to live. Life's decisions scare everyone! You think you are alone? You are the creator of your life and the paved roads you take are the easy ones .... occasionally you will hit a rocky, dirt road ....THAT IS LIFE!!
Contessa, as for my life being "exciting" (I want you to lay off sniffing all those perfume ads in Cosmopolitan magazine) -- I have the time to write this "Queenhell confusion" and I have not had a proposal in at LEAST 4 hours (and that was the FedEx man asking me to "sign on the bottom line"). There are some incredible, strong and confidant woman I have encountered in my brief life that I have gained strength from and attempted to emmulate. Actually, now that I think about it I have gained a lot from women that lacked the confidence to go far .... when you witness this from the outside you realize they could have achieved so much more. In other words, learn from other people's mistakes --- not just your own.
Here is what I have personally gathered that every woman should know:
How to fall in love without losing yourself
How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
When to try harder... and when to walk away...
How to have a good time just about anywhere
Learn to find a common ground with people from every aspect of society
How to ask for what you wants in a way that makes it most likely you will get it...
The ability to know that you can't change the length of her legs, the width of an ass, or the nature of a wacky family
That your childhood maynot have been perfect ... but it is over now. Remember the good.
What you would and would not do for love anymore
How to live alone, even if you hate being alone
Learn who you can trust and who you can't Don't take situations so personal
Know where to go to be treated like the Princess you deserve: This maybe your best girlfriend's kitchen table or it maybe at a 5 star restaurant... when you need your spirits lifted.
Be realistic in what you can or cannot accomplish in a month, day or year.
Furthermore outside of the "must knows" your should have a foundation of "must have's"
I suggest the following:
Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see you in an hour...
A youth you are content to leave behind
A past juicy enough that you look forward to retelling in your old age
The realization that you will indeed have an old age one day
Money set aside to fund it
A set of screwdrivers, jumper cables and a black lace push-up bra
A friend who always makes you laugh and who lets you cry and doesn't judge you unconditionally
A good piece of jewelry and furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family
Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that make your guests feel honored to be having dinner in your presence
Darling, the moment you start to feel the sense of self worth you will know you are the only one in control of your destiny. Life is not like a box of chocolates -- it's a damn diet! We have guidelines so we don't overeat and get unhealthy. Nibble a little every day and save room for dessert!
Good Luck! LL