I must rectify a serious injustice. I will use my webpage to do so. I have a need to reassure all my men friends that actually listen to me bitch--- That's right, all four of you, have a seat. Listen to me, damnit! Hear my pain.
Despite the false advertising of what you see on television, not all women get excited and happy about feminine hygiene products.
I know you think most of us are deranged lunatics for a few days everymonth. That is just a farce created with false advertising.
Through my imaginary cam I can see you looking at me with a glow of doubt in your eyes. (You too left your webcam on. Nice boxers, by the way.) I know you see the women on commercials talking about pads and tampons like they're triumphant about something. ("We're women. We don't just use any ordinary pad. We have have pads with wings, we rule the free world!")
Trust me, if a ton is 2,240 lbs. I have six times amount just in girlfriends alone - and none of them are thrilled with the way we are being portrayed.
But I hear you protesting that you've been seeing scary Tampax commercials for a while now. The one where the attractive young woman cheerfully tells us how much she hated wearing pads. "I felt like I was wearing a diaper!" she giggles. Then they show her talking with her female friend, who evidently has just come from a 4-hour binge at Starbucks, because she shrieks "Tampax TAMPONS!" like she just found Brad Pitt naked in her closet.
If I were confiding about such a personal issue to my friend while walking around in public and she suddenly, joyously screamed the name of a product meant for personal use at the top of her lungs, informing everyone in the immediate state of my little problem, I would dive in front of the first moving bus to get away from her.
I am always amazed at how energetic women are in tampon commercials. It's their time of the month, and they are dancing, jogging, swimming, and generally behaving like they've never been so happy to be alive. Especially while at the beach these women are wearing a little white bikini with NO BLOATING TO BE SEEN. I don't think so.
Guys, we women don't expect you to take us out on dates of marathon swimming or dancing during that time. We don't even want to be looked at. We want to lie on the couch and watch TV. In fact, we really don't mind if you want to go out with the guys. Here's twenty bucks - go to a strip bar or something and leave us alone.
Why don't you men have to deal with this? For a while I felt sorry for you when Bob Dole did commercials announcing to the world that he uses Viagra. But at least there was some semblance of dignity in those ads. If the ad agency who does the Tampax commercial had landed the Viagra account, you would have seen Bob at a dance club with his buddies, hitting on a group of women. Bob would turn to the camera, and shouting cheerfully over the music, he'd say, "You know, I never had problems meeting women in places like this, but I couldn't quite close the deal, if you know what I'm saying! But when I told one of my buddies about it --"
And they'd cut to Bob's pal handing him a little bottle, clapping him on the back, and saying, "DUDE! VIAGRA! GET SOME!"
But no. You guys get your personal matters discussed tactfully and calmly. Granted, men don't seem to have as many personal matters to discuss in television commercials. Viagra and the hair loss drugs are about it, and the guys in these commercials seem pretty normal and likeable. Except for maybe the guy at the end of the Rogaine commercial who says, "Look, I love my dad. I'm just not in a hurry to look like him." I just want the dad to lurch over to his son and bash him over the head with his can.
But we women have a host of intimate personal matters to discuss on television, and the TV women are just so darned proud of them. And I know that's got to be freaking you guys out. But it's OK. It's just TV. Trust me.
I'd end our little chat by taking you out for a beer, but I just don't feel like going anywhere tonight. I feel fat. I'm just going to lie on the couch and read. Stop looking at me.